Assess. Prioritize. Move Forward.

My house is a mess. Some might disagree, but to me it is a mess. My life is kind of a mess too. Always keeping in mind that similar to what constitutes a messy house, this is a completely subjective notion. 

What I’m working on now, what I think I’m close to absorbing is that it’s ok. It’s ok that life is messy and hard. It’s not due to any intrinsic lack or personal fuck up. It’s not even due to my mental illness. It just is. The overwhelm only comes from the FEAR that something is not right. That I’m doing something wrong. The notion that ultimately, the mess must be my fault, or at the very least my responsibility to clean up. The mess is right. The difficulty is normal. What needs to be done, will always get done. The fear is the only problem.

I’m done struggling. I’m done hiding. I’m doing enough right. My only responsibility is to assess, prioritize and move forward. In this moment, the priority is to sit in the mess and write about acceptance. I’m 43, I have done hard things, so of course I can do other hard things. I have been through chaos and trauma, heartbreak and grief, I always land on my feet, well at least I always land. But struggle breeds strength and the most dangerous things to face in life are lack of self awareness and self loathing. I’ve done battle with these two. I’m winning the fight. Even in the midst of trouble and pain, I remain grateful for the many joys and blessings, all of my Little Victories. I can see how even my most painful challenges and monumental mistakes have made me who I am. All of them somehow conspired to land me in this beautiful life.

Once you know and love who you are, anything is doable. You can meet challenges, climb over obstacles and overcome any hardship. I accept myself. I accept the struggle. Now I can do anything, or nothing, and all will be as it should be.