Anger Management

My oldest son once said to me, around 8 years old, “You know mom, the only thing that makes you really mad is when other people get mad.” It’s true. Not the emotion of anger, but the inability to control it, particularly in the presence of children, is one of my biggest triggers. We had been at my Father in-law’s that day. I don’t remember the exact circumstances, but the garage door was broken. My father in-law lost his mind, screaming and swearing, throwing and smashing things. Nothing could get through to him, he was completely out of control of mind and body. Once he was finished with his tantrum, I coldly looked him straight in the face and told him in little more than a whisper that he should be utterly ashamed of himself. That his behavior was unacceptable, and ridiculous and it had better not ever happen in front of my child again.

You see, while the only thing that makes me angry, is other people’s anger, I will rarely meet it by matching their volume or rage. Instead I will strike them down with clear, concise words. The quieter I get, the more one should fear my wrath. Scolding. Shame. I am measured, cold, caring little for the perpetrator’s feelings, because they have lost themselves the privilege of my empathy. You are an adult, get a grip. Obviously, like all behaviors in adult relationships, this stems from childhood experience.

All my parents did was yell. At each other. At us kids. At inanimate objects. Every day, some times all day. Doors slammed, things were thrown, names were called, all at top volume. I knew the way our family interacted, was not normal. Occasionally I was brave and bold enough to call them on their verbal assaults, but mostly I was a timid, sensitive child. My skin never got quite thick enough to protect me from their barbs.

Usually in dysfunctional homes, there are two options for coping; internalize and eventually come to live in similar patterns, as adults. Or, to go in the completely opposite direction, with strong aversion, even intolerance to these behaviors.

You don’t even need a pencil to connect the dots on this one. I developed a complete intolerance for anger, and people who can’t control their emotions. People who cannot self regulate. People who lack the consciousness to see how their behavior impacts those around them, namely children.

I very rarely lose my temper, have always prided myself on almost never yelling at my children. If you have a crisis going on, you want me there, because freaking out in any way, is not in my nature. Breathe, find the solution, everything will be fine if you stay in control. That’s how I roll. It sounds so admirable, typed up. But make no mistake, dominance is the centerpiece, here. If I get into a verbal altercation with someone, and they lose their temper, I don’t even hear them any more. There is an instant loss of respect and empathy. If the outburst happens in front of one of my children I will straight gut them with words and a derisive glare. If looks could kill….

I’ve realized recently through therapy and journaling, that this isn’t self-regulation, at all. I have been stuffing my own anger down and managing myself with a different kind of obsessive control, keeping a firm grip to always have authority over my reactions. This isn’t control, it is still my childhood wounds playing out under a different guise; just as they always will, until dealt with and healed.

What has really helped me begin to overcome my intolerance of anger, has been my second son. G.fox was BORN pissed off. No matter what I have tried. We have had evaluations, and sought interventions, employed a multitude of resources, to varying degrees of success. Over the years things have gotten much better, but it’s been a long road. He still really struggles with self regulation, and holding his temper. Every door jam in our house is broken. He threw a remote control through our brand new tv. He has physically attacked me in truly spectacular form. Everything I’ve never been able to tolerate, handed to me in a little bundle of baby that I love so unconditionally, even as he flared up the most sensitive trigger I have.

But we get the babies we need. Pregnant with my first son, I was a 21 year old single mother. I needed an easy baby. 10 years later when my G.fox came along, I was married and financially stable, well equipped this time around. What I needed from this child, was lessons. Lessons in what it means to be truly self regulated, in accepting the anger of others as valid, no matter how it bursts out of them. Accepting my OWN anger, and allowing for it. Above all, G.fox has taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. This furious little child who came to me, forcing me to do battle with some of my biggest triggers, and realize that unconditional love doesn’t show itself when things are easy. Unconditional love, means fully accepting, with all your heart, those who trigger you and shake you to your core. Those who show you, where you need to grow. This child of mine has been my greatest teacher.

A Little Victory is not always ultimate success in a struggle, but willingness to continue to do battle with the difficulties of life and love. In this case, my battle with Anger Management.