I’m the Numerator

I have always been about silver linings and little victories. I’m really good a solving problems. I always get back up. But WHAT IN goddammitshithell am I doing on the floor so often??? It’s been a lot, this life of mine. I try so hard to stay grateful and focus on the beautiful parts of life. Pity themed are the worst of all parties. But I sure do wish I could get longer respites between bouts of bullshit. Some breathing room would be appreciated. Every phase of my life has been laced with traumas, from micro to macro. In between the more serious tribulations, there have been moderate trials; scenarios that would prove challenging, but on their own, wouldn’t leave me deflated like a pity party balloon.

During each of these phases I get to a point where I wonder what I have done to deserve this complicated and often painful, journey. Not in a “woe-is-me” way, more of a problem solving way. Where I recognize that I am the common denominator in my life and so to fix it, I have to fix me. As a result I have spent my entire life trying to repair myself. Organizing.Yoga.Nutrition.Meditation.Medication.Chiropractic.EMDR.Therapy.Books.Podcasts.Writing.

But guess what? None of it has worked. My life remains messy and painful and too often, full of bullshit. Breathing room tends to be sparse. The respites, never long enough. It doesn’t mean that I’m ungrateful or that I have brought any of it upon myself. I will never say “woe-is-me”, but today I stop fixing. I am not the denominator, I am the numerator. Just a part of a whole, wrapped in a silver lining and that is a Little Victory.