Lessons in Love

Who was your most influential teacher?

My family of origin was chaotic, emotionally abusive and neglectful. From a young age, this helped me hone extraordinary empathy, the ability to read people and a room, as well as fierce independence. It brought with it many other negative traits of complex trauma; but as an adult, finally in charge of my own journey, I have left those behind and have only gratitude for the lessons learned and my gifts.

My sister brought out the ferocious protector in me. Even through years where I could barely stand the sight of her, if someone else messed with her, they wouldn’t just get the horns, they’d get the full weight of the bull. I was the bull and this taught me that I wasn’t the timid little girl my parents tried to create. I was powerful and not to be trifled with.

My first son, unexpected from painful circumstances when I was 21, helped me put my existing independent streak into practice. I learned how to stand on my own two feet and figure my shit out, on my own. He gave me a sense of strength and purpose, and a reason to be the best version of myself. 10 years later, my second son came screaming into this world angry and opposite of everything myself and my first son were. He has been a complex mystery. Each piece of the puzzle I figured out about his neurodivergence, unlocked realizations about my own. He continues to teach me the true meaning of patience and unconditional love.

In their own way, they each taught me that children, if you are receptive, can be the fastest track to personal growth.

My marriage has been the greatest lesson in staying the course. In the value of trusting and forgiving- even when you have no reason to. Counterintuitive as it may seem, it has also furthered my path of independence and bred individuality. Only through the safety of self love, can one surrender to the love of another without fear of it being taken away. You cannot truly love from a place of fear. You cannot truly receive love without believing that you deserve it. Without trusting that it is real. Breaking free of the codependency developed by years of infatuation and clinging has taught me that I am only responsible for my own emotions and how I communicate them. I have learned that the truest love is born from realizing you don’t *need* it, it is just a bonus. Flowers are beautiful whether they have fragrance or not, but who doesn’t love the scent of lilacs in the spring?

I want to be with my husband forever, because I love him and our life together. But if for some reason we get to a cross roads where I have to choose between loving him or loving myself? I choose me. Knowing that I can stand on my own two feet, that I have I have strength to persevere, that I have unconditional love for myself and for others. This allows me to love him, simply for who he is, not for what I need from him.

My families- parents, sister, husband, children, haven’t just taught me lessons, they have given me super powers. And that my friends, is a Little Victory.