Peek-a-boo, I see you

What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?

Tell me just a little bit about yourself, and I will understand you, almost immediately. I can almost feel your childhood. I can tell when you’re leaving something out, I can usually figure out why. I can tell if you were well loved, abused, or somewhere in between.

I can walk in a room and tell which couples fought before they got there. Who is quietly anxious because they’re not sure they belong. Who is loud and boisterous, to mask their own insecurity, a mask they’ve probably worn their whole life. I recognize the genuine free spirits; they’re usually on the dance floor. Sometimes I join them. Basking in the relief of energy I don’t feel the need to transmute. But usually I’ll seek out the one that feels like they don’t belong. I ease their anxiety by letting them know they are not invisible. They ease mine by letting me focus on their’s instead of my own. By letting me practice my purpose, which is to spread love and comfort.

Am I claircognizant? Perhaps. An empath? 100% yes. But did you know that empathy on this scale is actually a trauma response? My safety was dependent upon being able to read and prepare for the many moods of my parents. The end result, I know them better than they know themselves. I can now apply that skill to others, as well.

I learned how to tell who was a safe space, and who was not. I found out that you couldn’t always discern this through words, but through subtle shifts in energy. I could tell when people were lying and see how they were trying to manipulate situations. Through feeling so much of my own pain, I recognized the pain in others’ hearts. Some people in pain will lash out, while others will lash in, it’s easy to tell the difference.

The drawbacks? Being drained by energy that is not my own. Tending to everyone else’s emotional wounds, while letting my own bleed out…internally of course. It can be difficult to speak my truths, if I think they might be hurtful to others- I’ll feel their hurt, you see. And being the one to cause it, intolerable. So sometimes it’s easier to deal with my pain on its own, instead of adding someone else’s to the mix.

I am learning that I am not responsible for other people’s emotions, they are not mine to manage or regulate. I am only responsible for regulating MY emotions and communicating them with gentleness and compassion.

I see myself too clearly. I get frustrated with myself for flaws I feel should be easier to over come. It takes hard work to balance self awareness with self love. All feelings are valid, it’s the way they are expressed that can be problematic. Self love has been a rigorous course in extending grace and allowing my shadow side a seat at the table. After all, she is the part of me that needs the most love.

So let us be shadow friends. We can play peek-a-boo. I’ll see you and if you feel like I’m a safe space to be seen, maybe we can get on that dance floor. It will be the sweetest Little Victory.