Square Peg

My whole life I’ve been the square peg cliche. Well not square exactly, I’m actually really cool and fun and a quite a rebel. I’ve just never comfortably fit into any shaped hole. Not trying to be dirty here.

I never fit in with my family of origin, which was a mixed up mess from the beginning anyways. I was introverted to the point of mutism and all I really wanted was to be left alone to read my books. It was exactly that desire to obtain invisibility that made me stick out like a sore thumb in the raucous, chaotic Greek family I had landed in.

I went to a new school for every grade, sometimes more than one school in a year. Every time I had to stand in front of a class to be introduced as the ‘new student’ I wished I could just be swallowed up by the ground beneath me. It wasn’t that I didn’t make friends well enough, but I never knew when the next move would be, so no where ever seemed like my place.

Kids can sniff each other out, one whiff of insecurity and off to the fringes you go. Grade school hierarchy is not dismantled very easily. That’s why there is so much bravado and exaggeration thrown around a playground. Everybody’s just trying make sure they’re right shape for the hole they have been assigned.

TV and movies paint the picture that kids become popular based on looks and clothes. But I’ll let you in on a secret, the most popular kids are the ones with confidence born from being well loved. They are comfortable in their own skin. When you are comfortable in your skin, every outfit looks good on you. When you’re comfortable in your own skin, you fit in everywhere.

Eventually I gave up trying, my brand of bravado was used to prove how little I cared, instead of being wasted in an effort to seem cool or gain popularity. I befriended and defended the outcasts. The nice part about changing schools so much, was knowing whatever enemies I made, or embarrassments I experienced, would soon be behind me. I was kind of untouchable.

Now here I am as an adult. I fit in with that family of origin even less than when I was a child. But they also hold no power over me anymore. I am fiercely independent and my boundaries are firm. I’m still a square peg, but I have no desire to fit into their assigned holes or roles.

I do still struggle in friendships, my ability to attach to others was stunted and I cut off any desire to fit in, you see. Even the small circle I keep is not an exact fit. It seems people can’t quite figure me out and that is understandable; it’s human nature to be drawn to simple, easy to understand things. And I am neither of those. How could I be? Every move turned me into a new shape and I’m now more of a polygon than a square. There are no holes that can contain all of my complexities. There is no geometric equation that can explain me.

I am however, finally comfortable in my own skin. And the fact is, I enjoy my own company more than any other’s anyways. So dear readers, this is yet another example of a Little Victory.