Should I Stay or Should I Go?

What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why?

When I was 21 years old I became pregnant through an unfortunate circumstance. I had no reason to have a baby, really no business bringing a child into my dumpster fire life. But something inside me just knew that it was the right choice. And it turned out to be the hugest of Little Victories. Everything good that came into my life after was a result of that difficult decision.

My family of origin is highly dysfunctional. My mother has several undiagnosed and untreated mental illnesses, one of them being narcissistic personality disorder. She was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive during my childhood. These days, she lies, she manipulates, creates drama out of nothing; yet somehow is always the victim. My father enables her and is so emotionally immature he may as well be an actual child.

I went no contact with them for five years after a particularly upsetting bout of drama, but was reeled back in by a cancer diagnosis a couple years ago. Despite my anger at them for daring to need me when they have always left my needs unmet, supporting them seemed like the right thing to do. They were on best behavior during treatment, but once she was cleared and didn’t feel she was getting enough attention anymore, her true colors resurfaced once again. I have had enough. The trauma of my childhood abuse still sticks with me, the years of gaslighting fills me with a guilt that is hard to shake. As an empath, the weight of hurting their feelings is the heaviest of burdens. But they already took my childhood away from me, and most of my adult years have been spent trying to undo their damage. The decision to go no contact with your parents is something that can only be understood by those who have walked a similar path of chaos.

Those major life choices have been monumental in my life. Both of them have fostered immense personal growth. Now I face a third decision, what feels like the most difficult to date, that begs the question, what do I need to foster healing?

My husband and I have had a tumultuous 22 year marriage. We have strong chemistry and a connection that seems karmic at times. However, this last year has been beyond painful. Upon discovering a porn addiction I have done some deep reflection. Dormant awareness descended upon me; this was a pattern of emotional betrayal over the entire course of our marriage, not just an isolated situation. He has lied, gaslit and invalidated me. He is emotionally immature with poor communication and coping skills. He has been selfish and to top it all off, an alcoholic. Through it all I kept thinking, if I could just do more, BE more, do better, that things would get better. I had a deep seated belief that it was my responsibility to take care of everyone else’s feelings, to fix everything. (I wonder where that came from?)

Since discovering his porn addiction, he has predominantly quit drinking, sees a therapist and we go to marriage counseling together. There have been ups and downs, he still struggles with appropriate communication and the concept of validation. His shame makes it difficult for him to be truly accountable. But overall there has been improvement. The trouble is, I just can’t seem to let my guard completely down. I don’t trust him to be honest with me or love me the way I deserve for the long term, similar to my distrust of my parents.

I love him and for the most part I love the life we have built together. I have no interest in blowing it up. I want to believe in his and our progress. I want to heal and trust and thrive. My therapist believes that we are meant to be together to heal each other’s wounds. But my trust issues run deep. It is hard for me to believe that I’m not just waiting for the other shoe to drop. That I’m not wasting my life. That I won’t be made a fool of. I have this nagging feeling that staying might not be the best way to become my highest self. I wonder if I will always feel a little bit small, if I’ll ever fully step into my power.

The hardest decisions in life always carry the greatest potential for immense personal growth. Will this one turn into another Little Victory or blow up my life, or keep me small? Should I stay or should I go? I’m not ready to decide that yet. This Little Victory is to be continued.