Messy Mind (a stream of consciousness)

The house is a mess. The laundry needs folding. I’m hungry. But I don’t want to make healthy food but I have to eat healthy food because I need to lose 20 pounds. What even are triglycerides and is diabetes THAT big of deal? If I lose 20lbs my boobs are going to deflate. Can I justify the cost of augmentation? But fake boobs are so weird looking. Better than floppy bags of skin. My husband wouldn’t be attracted to that, but he can’t really be attracted to my tummy the way it is now. Not to mention the cellulite. I’ll have to buy all new clothes. But wait, MY MARRIAGE. Is he lying? Is he cheating? Will he ever gain the emotional intelligence I need to feel safe? Maybe I should leave. But he’ll probably leave me first, because I’m crazy and neurotic and I don’t fold enough laundry and panic over things that are nothing. But are they nothing? Is it my intuition or anxiety that feels so sure that he’s up to something shady? But he’s been so good to me. Maybe just appeasing me to distract from the shadiness. I have my yoga teacher training mid term this weekend, I really know my stuff. Am I actually as good as I think? Do the teachers love me or hate me? Do they know I’m a fraud? Everyone in the class thinks I’m an insufferable know-it-all. But they’re all so nice. Nice doesn’t mean they like you, they’re just not rude. I didn’t finish that reading yet. I should be doing that instead of this. I should meditate or practice. Really I should do both. I should be doing ANYthing instead of this. I have the greatest business idea for a wellness co-op but I’m almost 50, why bother? Plus I don’t have the skill set and no one respects me enough to take it seriously. Just another one of my hare-brained schemes that will amount to nothing. Should I even spend the money on that Somatic Coaching course? Look at me, who can I coach with such a messy mind? Speaking of money, should we take that trip for spring break? What are we going to do about retirement? We have all this money sitting in a savings account and hardly anything in retirement. What the hell even is the difference between a SEP and a Safe Harbor investment? What will happen if we don’t have enough money to retire? Well for Ryan to retire, I already don’t work, another reason he’ll probably leave me. Would I be alright if he did? I’d make him pay me big alimony for all the years I worked at our business unpaid. I forgot to call Jacob yesterday, I am the worst mother. And Greyson spends way too much time on screens. Man, I really am hungry. And I have to do that reading. I’m pretty sure the teacher DOES really like me, and he’ll probably offer me a teaching position at the studio. Maybe he WOULD be interested in my wellness co-op idea. I should work on a business plan. Can I have ChatGPT do the whole thing or will that be obvious? I’d have to get the somatic coaching done first. But I still haven’t even finished the online somatic yoga class. THAT was a waste of money, but I still have to do it, it will look good on a resume. I can’t believe I’m turning 47. I can’t wait for my solo birthday trip. But also who do I think I am to deserve such thing? He’s definitely going to leave me. God that laundry is still sitting there. I am wasting this whole day. I can’t believe I posted about my weight on Facebook. Why do I always put all my crazy on display? It looks like I’m desperate for validation? AM I desperate for validation? Why am I still like this when I’m medicated and have been in therapy for years? Because healing is not linear, you’re pretty awesome in so many other ways. Am I? Yes. Maybe. We’ll see. Why am I writing this? There is no one who will find it even a little bit interesting. You write for yourself dummy. It’s cathartic. It helps you declutter your messy mind, thoughts aren’t real anyways, so throw them out into the void, it’s just another one of your Little Victories.