Easy to Love

I recently realized how much of my life I have spent trying to be, ‘Easy to Love’. Be small when you need to be, invisible even. Be funny when you need to, be a good time. Bite your tongue. Absorb and reflect other’s energy so they feel comfortable. Be relaxed, if that’s not possible, at least appear calm on the outside. Easy-breezy. Be kind and thoughtful, loyal and supportive. Never make waves, never complain. Be easy to love. This is a defense mechanism. All of this earning of love instead of just deserving it and accepting it. Among the nicest compliments and few memories my mother ever shared with me, was always what a wonderful baby I was. I never cried, slept like an angel. All I did was smile and laugh and I could be left on my own for hours, just happy in my bouncer, not bothering anyone. You don’t have to read that twice to connect the dots.

For all that they were a defense mechanism, these tactics served me well. You see, it’s not those behaviors that are the problem, they are parts of what make me awesome. It’s *why* they are carried out. It’s easy for things to get muddy, especially in adult relationships. For years, I ran around doing and being everything, for everyone all the time. It didn’t feel like anything abnormal. I had the time, the energy, the love. Why wouldn’t I babysit my nieces every.single.time I was asked? Why wouldn’t I send the flowers, take all the calls, listen and validate? These are my people, I love and support them, annnnnd I love to be needed. Somewhere along the line, being needed came to feel the same as love. If you make yourself indispensable to people, while also being sweet and fun, what choice do they have but to love you?

One day I woke up and realized my shit was all kinds of fucked up, being easy to love was NOT *winning* me the love I craved. I felt unappreciated and easy to throw away. It turns out people DO have a choice to love you, no matter how much you do for them…go figure. Basically I needed a major overhaul on what it means to love and be loved. I spent an entire year with my therapist, working through my closest relationships. I’ve made good progress. I’ve learned a lot about boundaries, but still don’t always know when they are necessary. “If I HAVE the time to babysit, why would I say no? I can reschedule that appointment, nbd. If I CAN do the helpful thing, why wouldn’t I?” is a common conversation between me and my therapist.

Now, sometimes it seems, as I’ve begun to focus on my mental illness and healing, I have become a bit selfish. Well, not selfish exactly, self absorbed. I am taking that whole, “Put your own oxygen mask on first” advice, very seriously. But it’s starting to feel self indulgent. I can’t always find the balance between others’ needs and mine. It’s all or nothing in either direction. I’m either giving everything to everyone else, leaving my cup completely empty or I’m laser beam focussed on working through all my trauma and mental health issues. Analyzing and going over details and thinking about MYself, and MY feelings and MY part in the situations. I pick apart MY flaws, think about the what ifs, and question MY place and value in people’s lives. Because if I could just crack the code, maybe I can fix it. Maybe I can fix me. And then everything would be ok and everyone will love me. 

In the case of my marriage, I’ve gone from being easy to love, to down right difficult. While I’m in the midst of so much self reflection, reprioritizing self care in all its facets; I’m dropping the ball on my fair share of the responsibilities. On my share of being there for my husband as much as he is for me and as I am for others and myself. I’ve been told that the *bigness* of my feelings, overshadows his. I’m always raising the bar. This man. He cooks, cleans, is generous with gifts and as a lover, he goes over the top to make me feel special all the time, he works hard, doesn’t make me feel small when I am unable to work as much, and rarely gets ruffled over spending. But still my brain is constantly focussed on the ways that he *might* hurt me. If I could turn it off I would. This constant nagging that says, “TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.” 18 years married, I’m still battling this constant fear that good things can be taken away at any moment. That the people who love you, will hurt you, if it serves them. These things will happen, especially if you are not doing enough to earn their love. Do more, be more, or you will lose him. 

So this is my big work right now. Finding the balance. I have been doing the inner work I have needed. I have been writing compulsively. I have taken the time I need every day to center myself. I go to therapy. These things are great, but I also have to get my ass to the office more often. I have to clean up the paper piles and prepare the taxes. I have to be more present with my kiddo and make sure my husband isn’t afraid to shatter me into pieces with small requests or complaints. Most of all, I need to continue my work on trust and releasing my deepest seeded fears, while also making sure dinner gets on the table and laundry gets done.

I’ve figured out where some this ball dropping, and making myself difficult to love might come from. It’s a, “Prove it” situation. Here I am. I’m complicated and messy. I am no longer easy-breezy. Often I am filled with anxiety and sometimes struggle to find the silver linings and little victories. I can’t do all the things, all the time, with a smile planted on my face.  Will my people stay, even though I’m not always Easy to Love?