Keep Your Shit Together

Do you need a break? From what?

Gimme a break, gimme a break. Break me off a piece of that KitKat bar. First thing that came to mind seeing the prompt. Anyone else?

Yes. I need a break. I’d take a KitKat but a break from my mind would be more constructive. A break from this raging river of intrusive thoughts that rambles and races forever reminding me that nothing is ok, but the only thing to be done about it is to keep my shit together so things don’t completely fall apart. Keep.it.together. And smile. All the while, my own brain is betraying and sabotaging me.

You are crazy and everyone knows you are crazy and that’s why you have no friends and your family hates you. Images of the past float to the surface before being stuffed down. NO. No time for that, it probably didn’t even happen. You have no excuses and nothing to complain about. Put yourself together, if you look pretty you might be able to hide. Make sure the house is clean. Walk the dog. Go to yoga. Smile! Be friendly. You can’t trust anyone, they don’t really like you, they’re just being nice. Is Greyson ok at school? Did that new library volunteer seem sketchy? Your husband is probably cheating on you. Jesus. Get a grip. Stay positive! Everything will be fine. Maybe. Probably not, and that’s your own fault. So just keep going.

Until I can’t. This when the bathroom floor becomes the most comfortable seat in the house. One needs to be comfortable when they are pouring salt into their most sensitive wounds.

My brain means well, it has protectively repressed my childhood traumas, with the accidental byproduct of erasing most of my other memories, as well. When triggered, desperate for answers I may never receive, I get stuck in loops trying to fill in the timeline. This usually results in replaying my most painful memory fragments over an over again.

My childhood was fraught with chaos and gaslighting. The gaslighting is snake that still whispers in my ear. It tells me I have nothing to complain about. Tells me I don’t even know what’s true. It could have been worse. It tells me if that if I don’t hide in plain sight, if I don’t smile and clean the kitchen, everyone will know that I am crazy. They will see how much of a fraud and a failure I am.

I am not crazy, but the fact is, bad things happened to me, they were not processed and my survivalist mind buried them and found silver linings instead. No matter how grateful I am for all of my Little Victories, how amazing my marriage, children, home and life are; no matter how much understanding I gain and forgiveness I employ, the damage is there. It cannot be rationalized away. It is my greatest frustration in life. But the only way out is through. Healing comes layer by layer, but I’ve stopped expecting that it will ever be complete.

So today I’ll take a break. I will throw these words out into the void and I will rest. With any luck, things will not fall completely apart, and that will be a Little Victory.