Smile. Be Polite.

{This a draft of the first chapter of a book that may or may not ever be written in full; feedback welcome}

They roll to a stop in the rusty old Datsun. Sadie sits in the front seat even though her head can barely see over the window. Seat belt baggy across her hips. ‘She’s a Man Eater’ playing very quietly in the background Watch out boy she’ll chew you up. The Suze switches the radio off with her lips pursed, puts on a would-be smile, stubs out her cigarette in the overflowing ashtray.

“Ok, let’s go. Smile. Be polite. Speak up when spoken to.”

Sadie nods. She has learned well, in five years. Go with the flow. Do as you are told.

They get out of the car. Sadie with her garbage bag of clothes and a ratty Strawberry Shortcake backpack filled with a few dog eared Little Golden books and a used-to-be-yellow, Funshine Care Bear. She is careful to avoid the cracks, tiptoeing onto each brick of the walkway, dragging the garbage bag behind. Don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back…

“Move.your.ass” The Suze hisses. Sadie stomps on the next crack and catches up.

The walkway leads up to a brown, cedar shake sided, Cape Cod style home. There is a huge garden in the side yard that draws Sadie’s eye. As they approach the side door, it flies open, “Well hellooooo! Look at you! Just look at you! Such a big girl!” Aunty Mabel gushes as she spills out the door. First she grabs Sadie’s face between her two hands, “My goodness are you ever beautiful!!” Then pulls her into the pillow of her bosom for the warmest hug she can ever remember receiving. Sadie freezes. She doesn’t want it to end, but isn’t entirely sure what to do with such a show of affection.

“Come in, come in. Supper is almost ready. Grammy’s at the table. Uncle Sonny is watching the news, I’ll show you your place.”

“Their place” was a little basement apartment. It had a bedroom, a tiny kitchenette, and a tattered couch in between as a sitting area. It also had a lot of spiders, but still, it was better than most places they’d stayed. 

Living at Aunty Mabel’s turned out to be an oasis in a desert. A calm in the storm that had been Sadie’s experience so far. Uncle Sonny wouldn’t let her DO much in the garden, but he did let her follow him and watch. He turned a blind eye when she stole cherry tomatoes popping them against the roof of her mouth with her tongue, and nibbled the sharp chives pretending to be a bunny. There was a huge willow tree way in the back of the yard that was perfect climbing and sitting. Sometimes when The Suze would call for her Sadie thought about just staying in her tree, knowing she’d never be found; but she got a little shiver imagining how angry that would make The Suze.

Aunty Mabel let Sadie help with everything. Snapping beans, baking apple pies, shaking the pork chops in Shake’n’Bake. Every Saturday they would dust the whole house singing Zippity Doo-Dah. Afterwards the lemon Pledge would almost cover up the smell of the cigarette smoke.

Aunty Mabel was the sister of Sadie’s grandmother, Margaret, who died when The Suze was 19, two years before Sadie was born. Grammy was Sadie’s great grandmother. With her progressively worsening dementia, half the time she forgot that Sadie lived with them, asking several times a day, “When the hell is that child going home?” The other half being overly concerned with why she never went to school. Grammy slept until noon every day, so Sadie was often home from her half-day kindergarten, before she woke. 

Grammy sat at the kitchen table, dressed to the nines, from noon until 11pm, chain smoking cigarettes and drinking tea, switching to Pilsner glasses of Lite beer at four pm on the dot. Incredibly vain, she would have Sadie put her hair in pink foam curlers every other afternoon, and paint her fingernails. She was constantly looking in a magnifying mirror to make sure she didn’t have any chin hairs. Sadie would pluck the course strays when Grammy couldn’t remember how to work the tweezers. Grammy’s bedroom was on the second floor and off limits, but when no one was paying attention Sadie would tiptoe up the stairs and steal strawberry foiled candies from a pretty blown glass dish, and hide in the closet in between Grammy’s silky evening gowns, the strong smell of moth balls biting her nose, while trying to imagine what Grammy must have been like when she wore these lovely gowns out of the house.

Before Aunty Mabel’s they had stayed at a dingy fourplex in Tyngsboro. They had lived there with Uncle Ricky, the youngest of The Suze’s three brothers. Uncle Ricky looked like sour milk wearing coke bottle glasses. His mouth always slightly agape. He also had a roommate. An already nameless, faceless guy Sadie was happy to forget. There had been a hole in the kitchen floor that Sadie would scrape her dinner down into, instead of falling asleep at the table, again. They found out later that the hole went into the closet of the tenant below. Oops. They didn’t like those neighbors anyway, they had a husky dog that bit her once, right on the butt. She had a big bruise for weeks. The Suze had threatened that she would call the cops. But she never did. 

Sadie did not like food very much, her tummy was usually too squirmy to want any and she didn’t like the way it felt in her mouth and how some flavors gave a zingy feeling in her head. The Suze was obsessed with Sadie eating enough and tried every punishment she could think of to force her to eat.  Her go-to consequences – making Sadie stay at the table until her plate was clean, often resulting in Sadie falling asleep at the table; or making her watch an infomercial about starving children in Africa. Sadie would sit watching the lady named Sally talk about the horrifying conditions these children were living in and how even the smallest babies didn’t have enough food or water.  Sadie would have to look away when they showed the flies crawling in the babies’ eyes. Sadie would think, “You’re standing right there Sally! Why aren’t you helping them?!?” When Sadie would try to go to sleep, she heard the buzzing of flies in her ears and saw pictures of desperate faces behind her eyelids. She tossed and turned for several nights. One night Sadie got an amazing idea, she tiptoed out to the kitchen, opened the fridge and found her leftover plate from dinner.  She scraped it into a baggy, wrapped it in a brown grocery bag, wrote ‘Kids in AFRICA’ on the outside.  She snuck out the front door and put her package in the mailbox.  Back to bed, Sadie laid down and fell asleep feeling proud. When she woke up her package was on the kitchen table. The Suze smirked at her, “You think you’re so smart, don’t you. It’s sweet of you, but you can’t send a package to ‘kids in AFRICA’. And your tiny leftovers won’t do anything to help them. Eat the damn food.” 

When they left Uncle Ricky’s, The Suze made Sadie give her Little People Farm, her very best toy, ever; to the little girl in the other upper unit. “Don’t be such a baby, you are too big for that toy anyways!” The Suze had said when Sadie cried. “Are you so selfish you can’t share a toy you’ve grown out of, with a little girl?” Sadie hiccuped and shook her head ‘no’ as she handed over the toy. Anything good in life can be taken away, at any time, for any reason.

Before Uncle’s Ricky’s they stayed with Aunty Val & Uncle Jerry. It was fun living with her cousins, but three adults, 2 kids and an infant, in a two bedroom, 650 square foot apartment, wasn’t comfortable for the long term.

One house they lived in, one of the nicest ones, had a pool. It belonged to a guy named Charlie. Charlie had polio, he wore braces on his legs and walked with crutches. It was weird, at first, but Charlie turned out to be generous and kind. He showed Sadie how to do the Hokie Pokie, crutches and all. Sadie & The Suze shared a bedroom. Jeannie lived down stairs in the finished basement and they all shared a kitchen and living room. Sadie couldn’t remember Jeannie’s face anymore, but she was always really nice, so Sadie just pictured her like the woman in I Dream of Jeannie. Sadie walked in her sleep and one night she found her way into Jeannie’s basement where she stood screaming her face off. The Suze rushed down and had to shake her awake to get her to stop. A flicker of concern, followed by visible annoyance, she dragged Sadie back up the stairs by her arm.

Once in a while, Sadie would go and stay with people she was told were her grand parents. Memere & Pepere. They spoke French and lived in a motor home. They were nice enough, but it made her uncomfortable when they tried to tell her about her bio-dad, that she had never met. But they had the Disney channel and one time Memere showed her how to make strawberry jam, so she never minded going. Plus, the motor home was great fun. Everything in it was miniature and could fold up and out of sight. Even the bed that Sadie slept on folded away and turned into the kitchen table, by day. Pepere explained that it was to keep everything safe while they were driving down the road so things didn’t go flying around. Sadie agreed. Folding up and out of sight was often the safest course of action.

One day when The Suze was driving her to school she announced that she wouldn’t be picking her up at the bus stop. Sadie waited quietly for the rest of the explanation. You just never knew what might come out of The Suze’s mouth. She told her that a man would be picking her up instead. Reggie. The Bio Dad. Sadie was to go with him. Be polite. Do as you are told. Sometimes when The Suze was angry she would tell Sadie that if she didn’t shape up, she would have to go live with Reggie. Sadie wracked her brain to think what she could have done wrong.

“He will bring you home at supper time.” The Suze finishes.

Sadie’s breath, she didn’t realize she was holding, came rushing out. She wasn’t going with him forever, just until supper.

Within days, the only thing Sadie would remember about the meeting would be looking around as she stepped off the bus, a stranger walking up and saying, “You must be Sadie, I’d recognize you anywhere. You’re so beautiful.” She had taken a deep breath and nodded. Be polite. Do as you are told. It will be fine. The rest of the afternoon gone from memory, forever, like so many others.

When they first got back from Florida, they had stayed with The Suze’s Dad and his girlfriend Helen. The only thing she could remember there was Helen’s daughter letting her help clean the toilets. Maybe she didn’t even remember this. Maybe she was just told so many times it feels like a memory. Memories are like that, some get planted and some flit around your mind hard to grasp, you can’t always be sure exactly which are yours. Exactly which are real. 

They had moved to Florida with Big A when Sadie was just a baby. When Sadie tries to remember Florida it’s like looking through a ViewMaster, only most of the slides are fuzzy and some of them completely blank.  She knew there had been a beach with soft white sand and manatees, dolphins and seashells, that was definitely the best part. The rest was a blur of parties with loud music, grown ups milling about, some would stop and coo at her and Sadie would never bother anyone. She stayed quiet. Always watching. Absorbing it all. Everyone would say what a good girl she was. One house they went to, belonged to Frank. A giant of a man, covered in tattoos, with a big bushy beard, he always wore a black leather vest with bare, muscled arms. Frank looked scary, but he was actually really friendly. He had a Doberman named Duke that Sadie loved to play with. Duke was exceedingly patient with Sadie as she climbed all over him and pulled his ears, and wherever Sadie was laid down to sleep, he always laid right beside her. One day Frank whisked Sadie up and threw her into the air, as she let out a shriek of laughter, Duke jumped up and bit Frank’s arm. Sadie was immediately dropped back onto the floor, with a soft thud. Frank silently grabbed the dog by the collar, he dragged him outside. There was a loud bang and whimper and Sadie never saw Duke again. Anything good can be taken away, at any time, for any reason. 

When they came back from Florida, Sadie was four and Big A didn’t live with them anymore. Sadie didn’t see him for a long time, but once they moved in with Aunty Mabel, when she was five, he started visiting again. Sometimes he would bring his daughter Tara and they would all go to Chuck-E-Cheese. Tara was four when they left for FL, without her, now she was nine. When no one was listening she would tell Sadie, “I’m not your sister, you know. And MY Dad is NOT your Dad.”

“I know that.” Sadie would reply, sad for a reason she couldn’t understand.

One time Big A ran into a store for scratch offs, while The Suze, Tara and Sadie waited in the car. Tara said to The Suze, “I like your necklace, where did you get it?” It was a small flower made of tiny rubies around a minuscule diamond center. Suze told her it was a gift from Big A. Tara stated matter of factly, “Well I want it.” The Suze stared hard at her for a minute. “I’m sorry honey, but you can’t have it.” She kept her voice even, and tone sweet, but Sadie could feel the annoyance simmering beneath her words and was curious about this rare show of restraint. In most cases The Suze used more of a verbal net than a filter. 

“If MY Dad gave it to you, then I can have it.”

They stared each other down, until Big A got back into the car. It was the beginning of a not-so-beautiful relationship.

Sometimes The Suze & Big A would have to go to The Legion to “sign in” and check their bets. Sadie didn’t really understand what any of that meant, but grown ups weren’t meant for understanding. Just listen. Do as you are told. Everything will be fine. One of these times, they brought Sadie along to The Legion, even though she couldn’t go inside because she was a kid. Oh well, she sat in the car with Funshine and read some of her books. After a little while, about 3 Little Goldens, Sadie felt like the car was moving backward, ever so slowly. She sat up and looked and sure enough, the car that had been parked on a hill, was rolling toward the lake behind. Sadie jumped into the front as a man was walking past and yelled for help, she couldn’t get the door open, she was too panicked. The man first reached and pulled her through the open window, then he swung open the door, got in and yanked up the emergency brake, bringing the car to a stop. At that moment Big A & The Suze came walking out smiling, surprised by the scene in front of them.

“You gotta put your e-brake on, man!” Barked the stranger.

Sadie stood, breathing heavy, tears welling in her eyes. Eyes on a sparkly rock on the ground, waiting to find out what she did wrong.

Instead, Big A calls, “Come on Shorty, get back in the car, we won big, let’s go get you a prize!”

Grown Ups weren’t meant for understanding. Just do as you’re told. Everything will be fine.

Often her cousins would come to Aunty Mabel’s to play. Justin and Stacy were Aunty Val’s kids. Aunty Val was not her true Aunt, she was Aunty Mabel’s daughter, The Suze’s first-cousin and best friend. Being Aunty Mabel’s real grandchild, her cousin Justin, a month younger than Sadie, would remind her of that fact any chance he got. It seemed everywhere she turned, Sadie was told of another person who was not hers. Another place that she didn’t belong.

Sadie’s cousin Clancy was Uncle Mikey’s daughter, a year older than Sadie and her very best friend. Uncle Mikey was The Suze’s older brother. He was an alcoholic veteran prone to angry outbursts. Mikey’s wife Linda was a sharp shadow of a woman, rail thin with dark circles under her eyes. Clancy was the oldest and she had a younger brother and sister; Michael & Larkin. Ever since returning from Florida, Sadie would often be sent to stay with Uncle Mikey’s family, sometimes for weeks. Exceedingly poor, the house was tiny and run down, on a dirt road. Clancy hated her dad, avoiding him as much as possible, wriggling away when he tried to hug her, so he would turn to Sadie, “See my beautiful niece loves me, she’ll give her Uncle Mikey a hug.” nuzzling into her, sharp whiskers on her cheek, sour breath in her nose. Sadie would freeze. Don’t worry it will be over soon. Be polite. Do as you are told. It will be fine.

Sadie and Clancy were so close, it seemed mostly fun to be there so much, like having a sister. They would ride bikes to the lake beach down the road, build forts, play in the creek. But the house was a volatile environment, they tried to stay away from it as much as possible. Sometimes when they drove with Uncle Mikey, he would speed down the curvy back roads of New England. It felt like a carnival ride, sending her belly swooping up into her chest and their butts would lift right off the seat. “Faster!” they would cry, he always obliged. Once in a while they would have to go see Mikey at a ‘clinic’. It was kind of like a hospital, but no one seemed very sick and they would all sit in a white cafeteria, often in silence. Sadie never understood why she had to be there, but she was polite. She didn’t ask questions. She did as she was told. Grown ups weren’t for understanding.

Dinner was a solemn affair. Children were expected to be seen, not heard and to clean their plates. One evening Aunty Linda served spaghetti, but instead of sauce they had to use ketchup. Uncle Mikey barked, “What the hell is this shit?” Timidly, Aunty Linda replied, “It’s all that we have until next week, when I can grocery shop.” Sadie, who didn’t like food much anyways, pushed her noodles around the plate.

“What’s the matter you? We give you food from our cupboards and you’re too good to eat it?”

Sadie took a small tentative bite and started to panic over how she’d ever eat the whole plate.

“EAT! Eat god dammit!” Mikey shouts, slamming his fist on table. Sadie continues to eat, bite after bite, trying to hide her gagging. Uncle Mikey watching each mouthful with a sneer.

Late that night Sadie tiptoes down the hall and softly knocks on Aunty Linda and Uncle Mikey’s bedroom door. When Aunty Linda climbs out of bed, she yells in a whisper, 

“What the hell is wrong with you? Get your ass in bed!”

“But I don’t feel goo…” Sadie starts before vomiting all over the hall carpet.

“God dammit, get in the bathroom! Get!”

Over and over Sadie throws up. Each heave of noodles and ketchup tasting like shame and guilt and fear.

Each night, before bed her and Clancy would take a bath together. In the back of Sadie’s mind the bathroom is steamy and dim, the door opens and shuts, the fan turns on, the water goes cold. The scent of booze and cigarettes mixes with Mr.Bubble fragrance. Everything goes still. Everything goes blank. After they were dried, hair combed and teeth brushed, she and Clancy would fight over who had to sleep on the bottom bunk, for an unspoken reason that had little to do with the top bunk being more fun.

One time, when Sadie had been there almost a week, they decided to have a camp out in the back yard. The tent was set up and they were allowed to eat as many toasted marshmallows as they wanted. When it came time to get into their sleeping bags, Uncle Mikey climbed into the tent with them. Sadie and Clancy thought it would be just them, it was supposed to be just them. Heart racing, desperate to get out, Sadie waited until the first chance she got to slip away, saying she had to go to the bathroom. She hid in the dark parlour, burying herself as deep as possible into the corner of the sofa. After a while, the back door creaks closed. When the screaming started she began slowly tracing the flower pattern on the velveteen fabric. Over and up and around and over. Over and up and around and over. Fold up and out of sight. Everything is fine. It’ll be over soon.

The next day The Suze called to check in. Sadie tried to stay brave but her chin started quivering as she whispered quietly as she could, “Please, please come and get me, I don’t want to stay, I just want to come home.” When The Suze asked why, Sadie tried to be even quieter, “They were fighting again, Uncle Mi-“

Aunty Linda grabbed the receiver from her hand. She and The Suze spoke briefly and then hung up. Linda turned on Sadie, a cold look on her witchy face. She grabbed her by the shoulders, shaking her roughly, “You never speak of our business. You hear me? What happens in this house, STAYS in this house!”

Sadie walked to the backyard, a bowling ball in her stomach. Clancy was on a swing letting her toes scrape in the dirt. Sadie sat on the other swing. Clancy twisted hers so the chains crossed and she faced Sadie.

“WHY did you tell your mom OUR business?” She jumped off and stomped away, shouting over her shoulder, “AND you LEFT me with him all alone!” 

Sadie sat on her swing twisting the chains around and around. Waiting for The Suze, who actually showed up. Though she and Clancy stayed close, Sadie never slept at Uncle Mikey’s again.

When Sadie was six years old, The Suze got pregnant. As her pregnancy progressed, Big A came around more and more often and they began to talk of all living together. Sadie was wary. She loved Big A, he was the closest thing to a dad she had ever known. But after a little over a year of living with Aunty Mabel, she didn’t want to leave. She should have known they wouldn’t stay forever. Anything good can be taken away, at any time, for any reason.