What I’m getting wrong

My only goal in this life is to keep striving toward being my best self. Personal growth is kind of my jam. Meditation, journaling, morning rituals, allllll the books. Learning about attachment styles, positive parenting, breeding emotional intelligence and healthy communication. But I am far from perfect at these things, and that’s what this post is about.

Every morning I wake up at 5:15, I light a candle, burn some sage, say a mantra to heal me of my fear. Then I sit for a 30 minute meditation, journal for 20 minutes, exercise, and if I have time, read or write. I feel absolute peace. I feel like I can conquer the world, like I WILL conquer the world.

Then, I step out the door, and someone has a bad attitude, or the morning school routine goes haywire and everything I strive for, goes straight down the toilet. I am not my best self. And I am angry. I am beyond angry. I am working so hard for inner peace and it feels like everyone around me is hell-bent on stealing it from me. I bark. I am harsh. I slam cabinets.

The anger hasn’t even left my body when the guilt over not being able to control myself, hits me. The realization of how I have behaved weighs heavy on my heart. I know better. I should be better. Why can’t I be better?

I try to focus on what I’m getting right, accepting the good with the bad. Self Love. Self Acceptance. But when you want to grow, to be the best version of yourself, you also have to focus on what needs changing. That’s the crux isn’t it? Finding the balance between self acceptance, and having the courage to face your imperfections. This must be done in order to let go of what is no longer serving you, and reach toward the light.

Ironic that it would take me losing my shit, directly after meditation, to bring such an epiphany regarding inner peace. It is not a state of mind that can be reached by a straight and rigid path. It meanders. It detours. Sometimes the road is closed. There might be traffic that you have to have patience to wait through. Sometimes GPS sends you in the wrong direction.

Peace doesn’t come as a destination. It comes when you accept yourself so wholly that looking at your imperfections doesn’t frighten you. You must accept yourself to the point of knowing that your mistakes do not define you. You can look at them in the light until that which no longer serves you releases and you can reach toward the light.