Category: Mental Health
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I don’t know what you heard about me…
What was the last thing you did for play or fun? I like to listen to hardcore rap and hip hop and dance in my kitchen. Tupac, Biggie, 50 Cent, Tribe Called Quest, Gang Starr, Megan Thee Stallion, among many others. I am a white, middle-aged suburban mom who meditates, teaches yoga, keeps bees and…
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Should I Stay or Should I Go?
What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why? When I was 21 years old I became pregnant through an unfortunate circumstance. I had no reason to have a baby, really no business bringing a child into my dumpster fire life. But something inside me just knew that it was the right choice. And…
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A message for my teenaged self
Come here dear one, and sit beside me. I’ve been spending so much time with the youngest version of us that I forgot that it’s you who needs so much healing. Classic adolescent woe. I’m so sorry that I have left you alone for so long. That I was ashamed of you and tried to…
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Lessons in Trust
Are you holding a grudge? About? I used to hold a monstrous grudge against my parents. They did so much damage, you see. But with each layer of healing from that damage, I find more acceptance. I recognize that my path is my path. The resilient and strong woman that I have become, the life…
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Intuition Clouded by Trauma
Do you trust your instincts? I’m a Pisces. I’m an empath. I have tendencies that can be considered claircognizant. All of these things suggest strong intuition. But empathic ability is often born of trauma. The ability to read a room and feel other people’s feelings, defense mechanisms. I understand people, what makes them tick, why…
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cycles and phases
Are you more of a night or morning person? Ah the moon, how it calls to my soul. Its steadfast, cyclical presence a constant lesson that everything happens in its own time and we have no control of the waxing and waning of life. She pulls my heart heavenward while still reminding me that my…
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Confession from the Bedroom Wall…
I have a photograph of my 🍑 on our bedroom wall. I like to think it’s tasteful. My husband snapped the pic on my 40th birthday when I was enjoying the view from our Key West hotel room. My bottom aside, it’s a beautiful picture; you can see the ocean and palm trees in the…
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Lady Godiva
It was 2005. My barely toddler aged marriage was in shambles. I had discarded the few friends I had in favor of toxic codependency, and adopted all of my husband’s friends as my own. I hadn’t thought about ever being in a situation where they would choose between us. Where I would be discarded just…
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Square Peg
My whole life I’ve been the square peg cliche. Well not square exactly, I’m actually really cool and fun and a quite a rebel. I’ve just never comfortably fit into any shaped hole. Not trying to be dirty here. I never fit in with my family of origin, which was a mixed up mess from…
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Peek-a-boo, I see you
What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had? Tell me just a little bit about yourself, and I will understand you, almost immediately. I can almost feel your childhood. I can tell when you’re leaving something out, I can usually figure out why. I can tell if you were well loved,…
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Lessons in Love
Who was your most influential teacher? My family of origin was chaotic, emotionally abusive and neglectful. From a young age, this helped me hone extraordinary empathy, the ability to read people and a room, as well as fierce independence. It brought with it many other negative traits of complex trauma; but as an adult, finally…
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Benevolent and Angry
Am I too much? Or not quite enough? Is there anywhere I belong, besides on my own two feet? No one is going to save me. So I’ll have to do it myself. It’s ok, I don’t mind, when you do it yourself you need only to nod in the direction of your own strength. …
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I’m the Numerator
I have always been about silver linings and little victories. I’m really good a solving problems. I always get back up. But WHAT IN goddammitshithell am I doing on the floor so often??? It’s been a lot, this life of mine. I try so hard to stay grateful and focus on the beautiful parts of…
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Fresh Lips. Big Sigh.
I’ve seen all these images lately of women and what we carry upon our hips. Babies. Groceries. Laundry. We carry these things around, while performing various other tasks. We balance them and use other body parts to offset. Elbow the door open. Pick things up with our feet. Our multitasking knows no bounds. We carry…
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Stranger (un) Danger
You’re going on a cross-country trip. Airplane, train, bus, car, or bike? So this one time when I was nineteen, I left Colorado to head back to a Wisconsin after an unsuccessful attempt at living in a ski-bum, party town as an adolescent. Shocking. Big A and Suze were good about letting me come back…
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The Truth Teller and Her Elephant
I sit with my grandmother, I am visiting from out of state. My hand placed atop one of her ice cold, paper thin ones; noticing how the blue veins intersect like highways. She is dying. She doesn’t want to eat, or take her medications. She is a stubborn-ass Greek woman. Four foot eleven inches. A…
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Hot AF
Write a letter to your 100-year-old self. Congratulations! I never thought we’d make it so far. When we were just a sweet innocent child, we couldn’t imagine any way out. Life was something that just happened to us. We learned that the best way to stay safe was to do what we were told. When…
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Everything Changes
What is the last thing you learned? Knowledge of any sort is a product of the human mind and thus a social construct. I have learned that like most things, learning is not a one and done thing. The lessons that I learn, day in and day out, are nonlinear. Often I am frustrated with…
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Shoot the Duck
We pull into the Roller Kingdom parking lot and stop in front of the entrance. I am meeting Renee for Sunday afternoon, open-skate. The car door half open, I am ready to make a beeline inside. The Suze rifles through her wallet and swears. “Dammit, Sadie, I only have a twenty on me.” “So give…
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Silver Linings and Pitfalls
How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success? I have failed, and floundered, and fumbled and faltered and failed again. I went through seasons of my life where it seemed I would never learn a single lesson. Willfully ignorant. Cognitively dissonant. I have failed classes. I have failed to reach…
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Misadventures of all Sorts
What experiences in life helped you grow the most? The best way to grow? Fuck your shit allll the way up. Big mistakes. Epic failures. Misadventures of all sorts. When you land sobbing on the bathroom floor, look yourself face to face in the mirror. Shudder with the shame of it all. Wring your heart…
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Green Briefs on 9/11
Every American remembers where they were on 9/11. I’m no different, but I’m willing to bet my story is. I was visiting my hometown, Nashua, NH, with my two month old baby boy. When the first plane hit, me and my babe were fast asleep in the guest bedroom of my best friend’s home When…
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The Boss’s Wife
Do you enjoy your job? I think being pleased with your job has a lot to do with how much privilege you had when you entered the work force. Being able to choose a career based off of your passions is reserved for people who are not just trying to make ends meet. I have been…
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Neuro-typical
If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why? I would like to be a neuro-typical person. Someone who can face the ups and downs of life without being either over the moon or 20,000 leagues under the sea. Someone who can have totally normal conversation with a fellow…
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Despite It All
What advice would you give to your teenage self? Don’t start smoking. 4 drinks is more than enough for a 100lb girl to have a good time. You’re not so tough, stop trying to pretend. You’re not crazy, your mother is. Get your ass to school, you’re a smart girl, stop acting like you’re dumb.…
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Adulting Never Stops
Today I turn 45 and start the slow march to 50. It doesn’t bother me much, aging. It’s just fucking WEIRD, isn’t it? I do all the adulting things. I have a home and a business, kids and a dog, but still in my head I’m like, “How did this happen?” Just yesterday I was…
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No A**holes allowed
Who are your favorite people to be around? The truthful The authentic The adventurous and silly The bold and the brave The beautiful on the inside The shy but sweet The boisterous The gregarious The genuine and sincere The curious and introspective The whimsical and eccentric Basically, if you’re not an asshole, I’d probably enjoy…
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Walk a mile…
Tell us about your favorite pair of shoes, and where they’ve taken you. I’ve never walked a mile in someone else’s shoes. I’ve never needed to, to discern where someone has come from, it’s just something I understand. I could walk beside you on your path forward, or if you like I can take your…
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I will not write today
Well after this I will not I will not worry about the budget Or fill imaginary carts with imaginary items I will not clean Or cook Or cry I shall lay here in my nest of cozy solitude with no ambitions And notice the patch of blue outside my window crisscrossed, by the pattern of…
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Unintentionally Long
Have you ever unintentionally broken the law? What is unintentional? “Not on purpose”. How far does that extend? I mean I’ve broken several laws, but I wasn’t striving to be a criminal. I just didn’t give a fuck, and wanted to do what I wanted to do. Consequences? Meh. I was 18 when I got…
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On Valentine’s Day
I love my husband. I love chocolate. I love kind words. I love love. I hope you give, receive and feel love today. First and foremost, from yourself. If you are lucky enough to live with an abundance of love, have gratitude and find ways to spread it far and wide. We live in a…
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Big A and The Suze
What were your parents doing at your age? I left for Colorado at 18 years old, with a back pack, a couple hundred bucks and attitude to spare. Flipping the middle finger as I walked out the door. After a few years in Vail, suffering through a perfect storm of self-inflicted emotional turmoil and humiliation;…
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I have been good. I have been bad. Now I just want to be free.
“I have been good. I have been bad. Now I just want to be free.” ~Glennon Doyle I heard this on a podcast today and it punched me through my heart. It is so true for me that I’m mad I didn’t write it myself. I was a wild adolescent. Like After School Special wild.…
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Selfies with Rainbows
If you had the power to change one law, what would it be and why? Let us defy the law of gravity. Not enough to mess things up, just enough to be whimsical. Imagine bouncing along to work on trampoline sidewalks, with only ankle weights to keep you from floating away. Instead of diving into…
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Home
Write about your dream home. My youngest son sits in our velvet swivel chair, staring out the living room window. Damp shower towel around his waist. Picking at his wrinkly toes. They are not a baby’s toes, but not yet gross like a teenaged boy’s, still kissable (at least when freshly showered). “Ok. Can you…
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DSDG
You get some great, amazingly fantastic news. What’s the first thing you do? First. I will feel all the feelings. It’s what I do. Denial. That’s not possible. There must be a mistake. Skepticism. Of course there’s been a mistake. It’s probably a scam. Disbelief. Definitely a mistake. Things like this don’t happen to me.…
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I used to
Are there any activities or hobbies you’ve outgrown or lost interest in over time? I used to binge drink until I blacked out, several times a week. I used to use drugs I used fuck any guy that told me I was pretty I used to eat Taco Bell almost daily I used to smoke…
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What am I trying to say?
This afternoon I decided that it’s time to write something through my own inspiration, not just daily prompts. But then I remembered my inspiration ghosted me months ago. I want to share so badly but second guess if I have anything worth sharing. I sit staring at the blinking cursor on a new post and…
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Keep Your Shit Together
Do you need a break? From what? Gimme a break, gimme a break. Break me off a piece of that KitKat bar. First thing that came to mind seeing the prompt. Anyone else? Yes. I need a break. I’d take a KitKat but a break from my mind would be more constructive. A break from…
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Labor of Love
What’s your favorite thing to cook? I like baking pies or lasagna or slow braising lamb shanks. Recipes that take the whole day to make completely from scratch. Meals that make you proud of your efforts. Rolling out a pie crust or whisking a bechamel sauce might be tedious but throw on a jazz album,…
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Willing To Be Seen
What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it? The scariest thing for me to do would be to put my writing out in the world, past the safety and anonymity of Word Press. Most of my pieces read like journal entries, they kind of are…
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Smile. Be Polite.
They roll to a stop in the rusty old Datsun. Sadie sits in the front seat even though her head can barely see over the window. Seat belt baggy across her hips. ‘She’s a Man Eater’ playing very quietly in the background Watch out boy she’ll chew you up. The Suze switches the radio off…
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Mirrors and Escapes
What books do you want to read? There are two sorts of books I like to read. The type that sweep me up and away into the depths of their universe. That make me forget my own story. That make me forget the whole world, as I know it. Escaping from both interior and exterior…
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White Knuckling
I took the video posted below, in 2019. Emotionally exhausted, in the middle of one the worst depressive episodes I had, had in years. It took a full year from that day, for me to finally say, “Enough is enough” and schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist. I was then promptly diagnosed with Bipolar II…
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The Therapist’s Waiting Room
The sound machine is going, likely for both comfort and privacy, though I find the sound distracting and grating. Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh. Like being back in the womb. I can’t imagine my mother’s was a very comfortable place to be. There are one, two….five indoor plants. All thriving as if in a botanical garden instead…
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Love’s Trajectory
It was 8:31 am on a Saturday morning. I was 16. I woke up with a start, unsure why, I looked at my clock, saw the time and rolled back over. The phone rings. Who on earth would call my line this early? It’s Sarah. She is silent for a moment before shakily saying, “There’s…
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Sick of My Story
I’ve always thought that I can’t help anyone, until I am healed. I can’t write a story, until I have the right ending. I won’t have an impact, until I have arrived. But healing is not linear, and seemingly, never ends. If I don’t start writing the story, the only way it ends, is with…
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Easy to Love
I recently realized how much of my life I have spent trying to be, ‘Easy to Love’. Be small when you need to be, invisible even. Be funny when you need to, be a good time. Bite your tongue. Absorb and reflect other’s energy so they feel comfortable. Be relaxed, if that’s not possible, at…
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Anger Management
My oldest son once said to me, around 8 years old, “You know mom, the only thing that makes you really mad is when other people get mad.” It’s true. Not the emotion of anger, but the inability to control it, particularly in the presence of children, is one of my biggest triggers. We had…
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Better from Afar
I’m better from Afar. Or once in a while. Way better as a social media page. Better in text than on the phone. But better on the phone, than in person. 100% better one on one, than in a group. One on one, I can read your energy and mirror it, to make us both…
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Consequences of Sunshine and Laughter
Good Morning. I’ve begun my 43rd trip around the sun, thanks for the liver spots and melasma, you fantastic orb of gas and fire. Obviously aging is better than the alternative, but it sure can be tricky to navigate. Collagen depletes, metabolism slows, the consequences of sunshine and laughter, show themselves. I wouldn’t take either…
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Assess. Prioritize. Move Forward.
My house is a mess. Some might disagree, but to me it is a mess. My life is kind of a mess too. Always keeping in mind that similar to what constitutes a messy house, this is a completely subjective notion. What I’m working on now, what I think I’m close to absorbing is that…
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Chili Pepper Madness
While I was getting ready for work this morning, I found this picture of a bowl of chili peppers, taken at 3:40am, in my camera roll. Because of the way our iCloud photo sharing is set up, my husband’s camera roll and mine, are connected. So chili peppers. Innocuous right? To a sane brain, perhaps.…
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What I’m getting wrong
My only goal in this life is to keep striving toward being my best self. Personal growth is kind of my jam. Meditation, journaling, morning rituals, allllll the books. Learning about attachment styles, positive parenting, breeding emotional intelligence and healthy communication. But I am far from perfect at these things, and that’s what this post…
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Be Yourself
“People always say how you should be yourself. Like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster or something. Like you know what it is, even.” ~ Angela, My So Called Life Right on Angela. We’ve been hearing this one forever, right? Almost as long as “He bullies you because he LIKES you.” “Just be…
little victories 